Toddler tantrums 101: why they happen and how to handle them

Science tells us that children under 5 are experiencing huge neurological shifts. Their emotional aspect of the brain (the limbic system) is racing ahead, while the thinking aspect of the brain (the prefrontal cortex) is still metaphorically under construction. This developmental gap means toddlers feel big emotions long before they can make sense of or communicate them effectively. ‘Tantrums’ are actually our children feeling dysregulated, something that all humans, big and small, experience. The term dysregulation refers to difficulties in managing and responding to emotions. Dysregulation is not manipulative or "bad" behaviour; it is unfiltered emotional reactions when internal worlds feel too big to hold inside.

The Behaviour Balance System™ encourages us to meet these moments not with punishment, but with patience, understanding, and practical support.

While dysregulation cannot (and should not) be entirely avoided, small preventative steps can help reduce intensity and frequency by nurturing your child's internal sense of safety.

When an emotional eruption is in full swing, your child's body is in ‘emotional reaction mode‘ . They need your regulated presence far more than your words. Science tells us that children mirror the nervous systems of the adults around them - this is called co-regulation and it is the bridge to our children learning self-regulation. This means, how we feel during these challenging moments can impact how quickly their nervous system feels safe and cools down. When we combine our calm body with our conscious words our responses can be very powerful.

Emotions are embodied experiences, like vibrations in the body. These vibrations feel huge for toddlers. What looks like chaos is often their body's way of discharging overwhelming energy.

We can support them in navigating this experience through providing them with ‘positive outs’, using things such as tactile tools. You can set up a “Balance Basket” in your home with items like playdough, squishy balls, or soft fabric they can press and squeeze. This offers children a varied sensory diet and helps with emotional regulation.

You can also plan movement breaks into your day. Children need to move around, so creating safe, playful ways to release energy is always a great source of support. You can try playing games that “stomp the big feelings” or a “shake it out” dance.

It is also important to provide opportunities for calm. Breathing together might sound boring but it can be both lots of fun and hugely impactful. You want to start by pretending to blow up an imaginary balloon or gently humming, helping them reconnect breath and body. Science tells usthat physical expression supports emotional regulation by calming the amygdala, this is the brain's emotional alarm centre. If you are looking for support in setting this up, head over to The Behaviour Bank which has a whole vault on supporting your children with this.

The aftermath of a ‘tantrum’ is golden ground, although I know it might not feel this way as you are flooded with reliefthat it is over and emotional exhaustion from supporting the process. It’s where real emotional growth and trust-building occur. To make the most of this time with your child you could try out the following:

Take a moment, potentially with a cuddle, to reflect without judgment. We can sometimes skip over these experiences and avoid bringing them up again, in fear of ‘setting them off again’. However, this is such an important step for our children.This might sound something like:“You were really upset when we had to leave the playground. That was hard.”

As part of this process, bring in some problem-solving together. Helping our children plan for the future allows them space to recognise that these things are part of life, they are natural and they are ok. It also shows them that you are on their team and here to help, even when emotions feel big. This might sound something like: “That felt hard, next time, what could we do when you feel sad about leaving?”

Whilst supporting the ‘repair’ we can be faced by the challenge of owning our part. Yes, we need to go through that uncomfortable experience of admitting our own mistakes and sharing this with our children. It might sound like a minor detail, but it is an important step. Not only does it show our children that everyone makes mistakes, it gives them a clear model of how to own it and move on from it. This might sound something like: “I got frustrated too. I'm learning just like you are.”

Remember, repair isn't about blame; it’s about reconnecting and reinforcing that emotions are safe, manageable, and never a barrier to love.

‘Tantrums’ are not the enemy; they are emotional training grounds. Each time we approach dysregulation with compassion and balance, we’re helping our toddlers build the emotional muscles they will carry for life. Every feeling is valid, and every connection counts.

The Behaviour Balance System™ reminds us: emotions aren’t problems to be fixed; they are messages to be understood. When we respond with empathy, structure, and support, we lay the foundation for confident, resilient adults.