Understanding your attachment style and how this can affect parenting

Psychologists and psychotherapists use the term ‘attachment’ when referring to these parent-child bonds that start developing from within the womb and continue to grow throughout childhood, passing through different stages. Attachment Theory was developed by John Bowlby in the 1950s through observations of parent-child interactions. From an evolutionary perspective, a baby cannot survive without a primary caregiver, typically a mother, to feed and nurture them. Hence, the baby desperately needs to build an attachment with the mother to survive in the world. Attachment allows us to experience emotional connection, and to understand the importance of a relationship with another, but without a secure attachment the world can feel terrifying. Your survival feels at risk.

In an ideal world, a secure attachment develops by the primary caregiver being physically and emotionally available, responsive and engaging with the baby. So, for instance, baby knows that when they cry, their parent is there, that they will respond to their cries and that they will engage with the baby by picking them up and soothing them. Such behaviour, including the cooing, soft voice of the parent, known as ‘motherese’, has a positive impact on the baby, and they respond back to the parent with gurgles, smiles and eye contact. This reciprocal cycle helps cement a secure attachment, which can continue to strengthen throughout childhood, and allows that individual to build good relationships with others in the future.

When you have a more secure attachment style as a parent, it means that you’re more likely to be able to bond with your baby, and provide them with a secure attachment in turn. You may feel more able to contain their emotions and to not feel overwhelmed by their needs. A secure attachment isn’t about a parent needing to be with the child the whole time, however. Instead a secure attachment helps a parent to support their toddler manage some distance from them - for instance when they go off to nursery, or run off to play on the climbing frame – because they feel safe in the knowledge that their parent will be there as a safe base for them on their return.

This secure attachment isn’t always possible, however. If the primary caregiver is unreliable, inconsistent or absent, then the child may feel that their emotional needs are not always met and they can develop an insecure attachment style. This means that the child may exhibit certain behaviours to cope with the lack of emotional security from their parent, which can have a lasting effect into adulthood and impact their future relationships with others.

Insecure attachment can typically be classified in two different directions: anxious or avoidant. Underlying both types of insecure attachment is tremendous fear about the quality of the relationship with the parent and desperately wanting to find a route to feeling safer. Remember, attachment is about survival.

An anxious attachment style can develop if the child isn’t sure about how reliable a parent’s attention towards them will be, which can result in clingy behaviour, where the child fears that they may be forgotten about unless they demand their engagement. An avoidant attachment style on the other hand can develop when a child has learned that the parent is consistently emotionally unavailable, so it’s safer to keep a distance and remain independent in order to preserve what little attachment there is. Some children develop a mix of both anxious and avoidant behaviours, known as disorganised attachment.

If an adult has an insecure attachment style developed from their own childhood, then becoming a parent can present its own challenges. An adult with an anxious attachment style may become very enmeshed with their child, overwhelmed with worry, or find it difficult to leave their child even for short periods. An avoidant attachment style on the other hand may leave a parent feeling smothered by the needs of a young child, unable to ask for help, and may find it hard to know how to respond to their child with the warmth and closeness required.

Don’t worry! It’s very normal for all children aged 6-24 months to cry at drop off because they wish to stay close to their primary caregiver. Securely attached children are normally able to be soothed and will be pleased to see their parent again at collection time.