When it feels like everyone needs you at once

Here’s the thing to remember though: that painful, niggling feeling of guilt is, well, just a feeling. It’s not a fact. Instead, parents who care deeply and give everything they can still often feel like they’re not doing enough. When we love our children equally, we want to give each of them everything they need, all the time. However in reality, that’s of course not possible. Life is full of other demands, both practical, financial and emotional, and our time, energy and attention is going to be divided at times. That doesn’t mean however, that your love, care or ability to be a ‘good parent’ is any less.

For many, it’s the pressure to be the ‘perfect’ parent which can feel overwhelming. In an age where we are bombarded with social media reels, posts and stories about all the things we ‘should’ be doing with our children (I’m thinking perfectly balanced AND also fun meals, amazing craft ideas or fantastical bedroom décor), it’s easy to feel not good enough. We can worry that our own laziness, our inability to be the perfect parent, is impacting our children’s wellbeing. Social media thrives on us feeling ‘not good enough’.

From research however we know that children don’t need a perfect parent. From as early as the 1950s, Donald Winnicott, child psychotherapist and paediatrician, coined the concept of the ‘good enough parent’, positing that as children grow, it is normal for them to experience times when their parent’s attention isn’t fully on them and some ensuing feelings of frustration. But instead of being damaging, these experiences help a child to develop self soothing skills, foster independence and gain a realistic framework of the world around them. In short, despite what social media tells us, when it comes to parenting, good enough really is good enough!

When you’ve got multiple children, or even multiple demands from other key people such as elderly parents, a critical boss or a friend in need, it’s easy to feel emotionally overloaded and the urge to meet everyone’s needs can be intense. However it’s absolutely ok to prioritise and move towards whoever needs you most at that point. Love doesn’t have to mean dividing your attention equally, all the time. This more responsive caregiving is vital to be able to move our attention between differing care needs, without overloading ourselves, as context-switching too much can be neurologically exhausting. And we know that an overwhelmed, over stressed parent doesn’t actually serve anyone.

Ok, so we know (logically!) that we don’t need to be perfect and that it’s not realistic to meet everyone’s needs all the time. So what is that our children actually need to thrive?

Well, it’s simpler than you may think. Looking back again at child psychological research and attachment theory from John Bowlby in the 1960s, we know that one of the most important parts of a child’s sense of wellbeing is having access to a ‘secure base’. At its simplest terms, this means the child requires a consistently stable relationship with a caregiver in order to explore the world around them. However consistency and reliability is the key focus here, not a constant presence or ‘helicopter’ parent. It’s about children developing a felt sense of you being there for them, not keeping a scorebook of the minutes.

This can look like you making sure you acknowledge their feelings, showing interest in their world, and making time for little moments of connection. All these things can help a child build that internal security, knowing that even if your attention is elsewhere, that you’ll come back to them.

So if the guilt and pressure feels overwhelming for you at times, here are a few things that I suggest to my clients which can really help:

So in conclusion, what can you do when it feels like everyone needs you all at once? Well, I suggest keep showing up imperfectly, focusing on being ‘good enough’, and trying to find some kindness towards yourself when guilt rears its ugly head. Children need consistency, and small, regular and repeated moments of love and connection, not constant access to you. Any guilt in itself is a sign of attunement and evidence of how much you care, so try not to beat yourself up. You’re doing a great job.