How to prepare for fatherhood

Research pregnancy trimesters

There’s a dual benefit to researching pregnancy trimestersas a parent-to-be. The first is that in understanding what is happening to your partner’s body you can be a more sympathetic, more supportive partner. If you know, for example, that in the first trimester morning sickness might make it difficult to eat big meals but eating little and often can help, you can prepare by buying the right foods, offering up healthy snacks and making sure you have your partner’s preferred treats in the house.

The other benefit is that by understanding your baby’s development through the trimesters – knowing when they can hear your voice, for example – you can start bonding with your little one even before they are born. As they become gradually more real to you, you begin to identify as a father and to see yourself in a different light.

Buy the baby gear

Buying the essentials your baby will need in their early weeks of life is an important part of preparing for parenthood. Researching and buying baby gear, like a travel system, crib, and other newborn essentials is again a way of making sure you are physically and mentally ready for fatherhood – and making it all seem more real. Your partner will appreciate your active involvement in these tasks. Plus, you’ll both be using the gear, so it makes sense you buy something you’ve both agreed on.

Build healthy habits

Are you ready for the massive lifestyle change that comes along with fatherhood? Parenting a newborn is exhausting and fathers often have only limited time on paternity leave to adjust. Preparing physically by improving your overall health and fitness, plus establishing healthy sleep habits, will give you the best possible chance of meeting the challenges of new fatherhood. Steps you can take include:

Talk to other dads

Antenatal classes are a great opportunity to meet dads-to-be and share your journey with them. These families could also be a lifeline when you have a new baby and need to vent, share stories, and swap tips with other families. It’s also a good idea to talk to other dads who already have young families and can share their advice, lend support, and generally build out that all important village you need to raise a child.

Make up a ‘dad hospital bag’

As you’re helping your partner put together the hospital bag essentials, think about also packing yourself a hospital bag that’s going to help you keep occupied and stay calm during what could potentially be long hours of waiting. Include a change of clothes, a few essential toiletries, a phone charger, headphones and snacks. Bear in mind your role as chief communicator while you’re in hospital – you’ll be expected to keep everyone updated, so make sure you’ve also talked to your partner about who should be in your ‘telephone tree’.

In terms of entertainment, prepare for long hours of nothingness but be sensitive. Don’t make it look like you’re preparing for a nice day of binge-watching movies on your tablet. Talk about entertainment options that might help distract you both and prepare accordingly.

Work out finances and budget plans

In the UK, it’s often the case that mums stay home with the baby, while dads go back to work. Shared parental leave has made it easier for fathers to spend more time with their babies in this wonderful, exhausting first year, but the financial impact of all of it – whoever is taking time off – can be daunting.

Use the nine months of pregnancy to make a plan for the year ahead – and beyond – to see what time you can afford to take off and how you’re going to manage your budget . Look at local childcare facilities and work out the costs of childcare, factoring in any benefits you might be entitled to, so you can also plan ahead to when you’re both back at work. If you’re able to save money during this period, start siphoning some away to help support you if your joint income is drastically reduced.

Finances are one of the top stresses for new families, so giving yourself plenty of time to think about it, plan, and take whatever measures you can to prepare, will help reduce the anxiety and uncertainty around money.

For mothers, centring the baby can (but doesn’t always) feel very automatic. After all, the baby has literally been living in their centre of gravity for 9 months. For fathers, adapting to putting the baby first, can be more of an adjustment. You have probably grown used to being a family of two and being each other’s priority. Adapting to the significant changes that come with being a family of three – together with the lack of sleep, feelings of helplessness plus all the uncertainty of being a new parent – can take a real toll on your mental health. It’s important to be hyper aware of this, and to be proactive about looking after yourself and each other .

Exercise regularly

Those healthy habits you established during your partner’s pregnancy don’t have to go by the wayside now that you have a baby. In fact, regular exercise will help keep you healthy, boost your endorphins, and give you a bit of breathing space.

Exercise mindfully and with respect to your new situation. Disappearing to the gym for an hour at peak crying time, for example, is not helpful. Talk to your partner about when it makes sense to go out and how long it’s ok to be out for. You could also adapt your exercise routine to include your baby, for example, by switching runs for walks and taking your little one with you or finding outdoor gyms or fit trails that enable you to keep up some strength training with your baby chilling in the pram beside you.

Look after your mental health

What does it take for you to feel happy and calm, and how can you incorporate this into your new life with a baby? Some people need to socialise, while others need to retreat from society in order to regulate their emotions. Whatever you need, it’s important to face it and make time for it – while still being sensitive to your partner’s needs. For example, if you need some time with friends, you could organise a group outing where everyone brings their babies. Or, if you need some time off being a dad, try to organise support for your partner for while you’re out. And make sure you’re also giving them the chance to go out and do the same.

Be aware of your and your partner’s emotions

As new parents, it can be hard to distinguish between what is a real disagreement and what is two tired people miscommunicating. This is a time of heightened emotions – love, fear, uncertainty, confusion, frustration – alongside never-before-seen depths of physical and emotional drain. Remember that anger is a secondary emotion and so when you or your partner are feeling angry, it’s worth rooting out the primary feeling at the heart of that anger and talking about it. If you can’t talk calmly, take a breath – step outside, call a timeout, have a tea break, or whatever you need to get a hold of yourself – and try again later. Try to talk in ‘I’ statements rather than ‘you’ statements, so that you don’t end up blaming each other or escalating an argument that could probably be resolved quickly with empathy and understanding.

Connect with your partner

One of the hardest things for a couple to navigate once they have a baby is how to maintain their own relationship alongside parenthood. In the day-to-day madness of juggling feeds, nappy changes, nap times, work, meals, showers, it can be hard to find time to connect. But not taking that time can lead to a real disconnect between the two of you that can take time to bridge. Small things like sitting down to dinner together, always starting the day with a coffee and a chat – even if it’s just a quick one – and coming together at the end of the day to swap stories all help keep you connected and keep the channels of communication open. That means that when either of you do need to open up about something, you can. The framework is there.

Sex deserves a mention here because it is an important part of a relationship. But sex may be off the table for a while during your partner’s recovery and even after that if you’re both simply too tired to make it happen. Physical intimacy can continue in other ways. Hugs. Kisses. Handholding. Even brief loving touches help reinforce the bond between you. Try not to put pressure on yourselves to return to pre-baby patterns – it’s going to take a while. But working through this period together ensures you stay connected and committed, ready for the next phase.