How to share the mental load?

Your partner isn’t a mind reader! So it’s vital that you let them know how things are feeling for you. This conversation can feel daunting, but it all depends on how you go about it. A finger-pointing, critical approach where you list all their failings is unlikely to bring about any positive change. See if you can focus on your own feelings and explain your perspective and the way the current situation is affecting you. For example, you might say: “When I’m sorting the food shop, and trying to plan healthy meals for us, as well as doing the day-to-day chores at home, it sometimes feels like it’s all on me. I can feel overwhelmed and lonely, even though I know you love me. Could we find a time to sit down and go through things to see if we can share the mental load a bit more?” Taking a non-blaming stance can really help.

When you get the chance to sit down together, try to make a list of all the things that make up your mental load. It doesn’t matter how big or how unimportant they might seem; getting them out onto paper is a key way of stopping them taking up so much mental energy. It is also a good way to see how your partner responds to the mental work that you’re doing. Are they compassionate, surprised, defensive, sad? It may be vital to also understand their mental load that perhaps you aren’t aware of. Often, after a baby is born, one partner will be carrying the ‘financial load’ for the family, by being the main breadwinner and so feels responsible for how financially secure the family is. Sharing and talking about your individual worries together is essential to feel more supported and to build appreciation for each other.

Sometimes we feel resentful towards our partner because they are not doing certain things, without actually questioning the importance of those activities in the first place. For instance, we might be annoyed that we are having to do all the ironing, buying birthday cards, or creating perfectly balanced meals. However, can we give ourselves permission to let some of these ‘essential’ activities go while the kids are young? The world won’t end if you give Auntie Pat a phone call on her big day rather than send a card, or if the duvet covers are a bit crumpled. See what activities you can choose to take off your own list, even if just for a short while when things are busy. No one will blame you!

When you start sharing the mental load, you might find that the way your partner does things isn’t exactly the way you like things done. This can cause additional relationship stress if you find yourself criticising your partner when they are trying to be helpful, and in the long term can make both of you feel even less like a team. See if you can allow things on the mental load to be managed in different ways, accepting that having some help with them is better than managing it all yourself.