Understanding and improving your sex life after kids

Many parents wish that they had more intimacy in their relationship, but don’t feel much sexual desire. Early on in relationships, we can expect plenty of ‘spontaneous’ desire, which we can then act on to become sexual. However in long term relationships, this spontaneous desire is often replaced by ‘responsive’ desire. This means we don’t necessarily start feeling sexual until we have the right sexy context which allows our desire to kick in. We can be waiting a long time however, if most of our lives are ruled by nappies, sleep deprivation and domestic chores – not exactly a sexy context! To overcome this, consider what contexts allow you to feel sexy. Perhaps it’s having the chance to have a shower together and some meaningful hugs and kisses with no pressure. Maybe going out for supper together and reminiscing about the days before children. Sometimes just having the chance to have a bit of time to yourself, by booking a massage or a visit to a gallery, can make a difference. You may need to reflect back on your past experiences to think about the contexts that help you to feel more ready to be sexual.

Your schedule before kids might have allowed for long lazy mornings in bed where sex happened naturally. However those days are gone (for now!). Rather than putting pressure to get your sex life back to exactly how it used to be, see how you can think of sex more broadly. It’s not just about penetration – in fact for most women, penis-in-vagina sex is their least preferred sexual act. See how you can use smaller snippets of time to reconnect sexually by focusing on kissing and touching each other instead. Many couples find huge pleasure and satisfaction after kids by giving themselves permission to mix things up and take a different approach to intimacy.

If sexual desire is feeling out of reach, you may find it helpful to focus on why you want to improve your sex life. Would it help you feel closer or more connected to your partner? Would it improve your relationship with your body? Would it provide an opportunity for some adult time, away from being a parent? Whatever your motivation, lean into it to help you find a way towards increased intimacy if you’re not feeling that spontaneous urge. Remember, it has to come from you, so being motivated by “my partner wants more sex” is unlikely to have a long-term impact.

If your child is waking during the night, and only one person is responsible for getting up, then that person is going to notice a considerable impact on their desire. The increased tiredness, plus the additional emotional toll of being a parent 24 hours a day, makes it difficult to feel like a sexual being. The result? One partner who can’t even contemplate sex, and one partner feeling sexually frustrated – no good for anyone! Luckily, the answer is simple. Share out the night-time duties when possible so you’re both in a similar place and be kind to yourselves for the weeks that sex is a long way from your minds.